An apology

Dear family, friends, and colleagues,

Last night was a tough night on the ground for everyone involved in the federal courthouse march. I had been listening in on Seattle PD radio dispatch as three distict events unfolded and diverged; looking for and relaying key information to a friend by Messenger. Whether or not it was helpful could really only be determined by my friend at this point.

There’s something I wanted to address in terms of how I been responding to the broader events as they began to unfold last week. The truth is, I have been feeling very indifferent about what’s been going on. That’s not an admission I make very lightly. For folks who I share space with in Research Family and in Jean’s class, I been an asshole for not sharing my personal feelings about the situation, nor acknowledging at the very least the anger, the stress, and the worry that folks in these groups face. I took a very analytical angle of the situation when that was not what folks needed at that time in these spaces. For that I’m deeply sorry.

There’s nothing that can wash away what some might reasonably describe as my sin of being educated in a deeply colonial institution. It is part of the reason I wanted to work on empathizing and connecting with folks on a deeper and more personal level. And it is something that I’m still working on to this very day. I know that for me to be able to share space with folks, I would need to set aside the analytical and talk about how we’re feeling personally about the situation. It is a very uncomfortable but important part of responding to current events in a way that is most meaningful for ourselves and our communities.

I know my destiny lies not on the frontlines, but on being a community builder who bridges the spaces between us. In an era of pandemic and a new civil war, I’m learning more about how to use my assets to benefit the communities I’m in relationship with. I am committed to learning alongside all of you and hope you take good care of yourselves and your families.

haʔɬ sləx̌il,

Fa’aumu Kaimana

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